Matter of Laugh or Death
By Bill Dunn
Interesting observations on this thing we call life
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
Since getting a new job in sales last fall, I have been traveling area highways to the tune of 1,200 miles per week. In that time I’ve made a few observations:
· It is critical—I mean absolutely critical—to learn the locations of all the rest areas, diners, and fast food restaurants in your territory. To quote a great thinker (I believe it was Shakespeare), “Finding oneself miles from the nearest restroom as the breakfast burritos kick in, is the cruelest of fates.”
· A particular fast food restaurant chain, which for legal reasons I’m not allowed to identify (other than to say the name rhymes with “bick-bonalds”), posts a sign in the men’s room: “This facility is inspected by a manager every half hour.” I think they meant to say every half century, unless they define “inspected” as running in to use the urinal while ignoring the “All employees must wash hands before returning to work” sign. Also, I now know where fast food places make their bulk purchases of toilet paper: Home Depot’s sandpaper aisle.
· Apparently fast food restaurants are now forbidden by law to hire anyone even partially fluent in English. One time when I said, “No cheese on that, please,” the young lady smiled and gave me a handful of ketchup packets. Each time I repeated my request, she gave me another handful. When it got to the point where I was about to become the East Coast distributor for the H.J. Heinz Company, I finally said, “Si, I want cheese on that after all.”
· Most motorists now use sign language to ensure there is no lapse in communication. The most common gesture is a variation of the “We’re number one!” salute. There are two options: the two-fisted gesture while steering with your knees, or the one-hand-flips-the-bird-while-the-other-hand-pounds-the-car-horn technique.
· There are tons of bumper stickers out there these days. Since I travel a lot in New York state, I often see, “Hillary – Not here, not now, not ever!” I recently saw a bumper sticker with “JESUS LOVES YOU” and some small writing below it. As I pulled up closer to read the full text of the heart-warming message, I saw, “JESUS LOVES YOU – Everyone else thinks you’re an ***hole.” Yes, heart-warming. Stick-on emblems are also popular. There are Christian fish, Darwin fish, Christian fish swallowing Darwin fish, and Darwin fish in the process of evolving the “We’re number one” hand gesture. By far the most common item on vehicles are little window decals of Calvin, the mischievous kid from the “Calvin and Hobbes” comic strip. He is always shown peeing on something. Ford trucks have Calvin peeing on the Chevrolet symbol, and vice versa. He also pees on Nascar drivers, sports teams, and since I travel a lot in New York state, Hillary.
· License plates have become works of art. Most states now have many multi-colored styles, including sunsets, puppies, beaches, sailboats, and, occasionally, some letters and numbers to identify the vehicle. Plastic frames from car dealers hide key information on many license plates, so you get the impression a particular car is registered in the state of Ed’s Toyota World. Vanity plates are popular, and usually tell us a lot more than we really want to know about the driver. Recently I’ve seen: IMHORNY, HOTSTUF, and TRIALWYR. Someday soon I suppose we’ll see other disorders and sicknesses proclaimed in public with plates such as: SEXOFNDR, IMPOTNT, and BOSOXFAN.
· No matter how extensive your CD collection, when you’re behind the wheel for eight or nine hours a day, every disk you select falls into the “I just listened to that one” category. As a result, despite thousands of dollars worth of stereo equipment—a 10-disk CD changer, tape player, equalizer, power amp, and eight speakers—I find myself listening to the news on AM radio most of the time.
· All highway construction projects are scheduled to begin on the same morning I just have to be somewhere early. All projects take three times longer than expected to complete, except for those projects which are scheduled never to be completed (for example: I-95 in Stamford and Bridgeport, and I-287 in White Plains). All construction-related traffic jams begin just past the last rest stop for the next 75 miles (and always on one of those fateful breakfast burrito days).
No matter how tough it is out on the highways, being a road salesman offers one advantage the guys in the office will never experience: the joy of sincerely saying to a disgruntled customer, “Uh oh, I’m driving into a tunnel. We might get cut—” and then pressing the cell phone’s Power Off button.
|Home||Current Faith||Current Funnies||Faith Archive||Funnies Archive||Contact Bill|